Thanks Un-Giving Preparations

You know how I mentioned I was trying to always look good in preparation for the unplanned run in with Male Model?!? (refer to previous blog: Male Models)
Well...it happened.

It was the day before Thanksgiving and of course everything everywhere was chaotic due to holiday traffic. So here I was leaving the building early, rushed but excited to start my trip back to NJ to see the fam. I was sweating, carrying luggage over one shoulder, and my dog in a doggie carrier over the other. The elevator opens and as I start my push through the lobby crowd I see Male Model. Looking like a model, warmly addressing the doorman by name like they are old friends, big smile on his face. It all happens in a split second. I see him and not knowing the degree of dishevel I am in pretend I don't see him. He pretends he doesn't see me, though I can tell he knows I am there, and we keep moving. That's it.

Now turns out...I was looking pretty good. Makeup was done, hair was down, had on cute boots and a leather jacket; not bad for rushing to a train. But it didn't matter. I saw him. His face, his eyes, that smile. I saw him for the first time since he had said all of those nice things on those good dates and then never called again. I saw him, and he saw me, and neither of us said anything. It made me sad. I didn't expect it, after all in reality it was a few dates a while back, but it hurt. All of a sudden I was in a sour mood and sitting on the train with pent up anger. I wanted to be thinking about my family, about food, about giving thanks but really I was just thinking 'Thanks a fuckin lot! Thanks for saying things you didn't mean! Thanks for never calling! Thanks for no explanation!' No matter how much we physically prepare to see someone we can't prepare for how we will feel when we do :/

Red Bull Gives You Wings

It was 3am, I had already been out at bars and had met up with Red Bull (refer to "I always Go for the Nice Guy")  at some point in the night. Just as I thought we were making our way home he grabbed my hand, hailed a cab and told me we were going somewhere. My moans of exhaustion didn't stop him and instead he asked me to trust him (flashback of Aladdin leading Jasmine onto the magic carpet except in this case I'm not dressed like a genie and its a stinky yellow cab). He takes me to this very exclusive club in Chelsea. Waiting near a wine colored velvet rope are fancy men and model type arm candy anxiously trying to get in. Let me point out-  I was wearing jeans, a hoodie, heeled boots and hoops. These women were wearing the typical too tight-and-short black dress and tons of makeup with revlon silky hair-dos. I felt sexy as Hell.  I love the slutty dress look but my ghetto fabulous attire for some reason made me feel fantastic that night, maybe because it was highly inappropriate for where we were and yet I was the one being escorted under the velvet ropes.
This friggin kid has connections! We got inside and the place was lined with VIP tables with bottle service. It was dark, crowded enough and sexy. Long story short he knows people. He's buddies with some big shot who welcomed us to his table and we spent the night drinking champagne and dancing on the couches. Up on that leather ledge shaking my ass I got this high that only comes at 3am on a crazy night like that; I felt light as a feather, like I was floating above all the heads in the crowd. I'm still not convinced that Redbull and I have the passion of soul mates but damn he shows me a good time!

Pride & Prejudice

I've been thinking about male model again lately. You assume you're over something and then all of a sudden you have too much time on your hands (or something happens as simple as the elevator stopping on thier floor) and you realize it's still stirring inside you. I find myself once again wondering what happened. The truth is, I guess it's better not to know. You don't want to hear that someone thinks your too short or scrawny or utterly boring. If you don't know the reason then you can't do anything about it, but if you do know then you spend all your time trying to fix it. And we should never waste time trying to fix ourselves to meet someone else's standards.

Although we live in the same building I have yet to bump into male model, (which makes me wonder if he's purposely taking the stairs) though I thought I saw him the other day. I had two kids packed into a double stroller and my hands full of clothing, snacks, keys, coffee cup. Basically I looked like a disheveled mother. Not the first post-he-stopped-calling impression I want to make. So I did the only adult thing to do in a situation like that- I dropped down and hid behind the stroller. I pretended to be looking for a sippy cup in the under-carriage. He wasn't there when I popped back up. Phew!

I now feel pressured to be beautifully made up everday in preparation for the inevitable accidental run in.

For some reason I've been tempted to contact him. I can hear the screams of "NO" coming in my direction right now, and my pride is one of the voices- but for some reason I still want to reach out to him. There's something in my gut that still believes he may have run for some reason, that maybe he's just insecure and needs reassurance. I don't want to justify his actions by giving him the benefit of the doubt, but I also like to base my conclusions on evidence, and the evidence he gave me does not match up with "total asshole." I know it's easy to think that about someone who is gorgeous and charming. But just as one shouldn't make allowances for someone just because they are attractive,  one also shouldn't make negative assumptions based on looks either, right? If this were a more average male would I be so quick to think he was a player or a user? Am I being prejudice because elevator boy was once a model and is still intimidatingly hot?

 My pride says "he's a jerk, stand your ground!" My gut says "He's just a guy, a possibly insecure one at that. Reach out one last time."  Pride or guts people, pride or guts???

Adam, Eve, the Snake, and the fish.

(Let me start by saying that Adam's new girlfriend I'm sure is a great person but because it makes me feel better she will play the snake in my story.)


So, after the parking lot there were text messages exchanged between the two of us and many drunk dialing episodes on my part in the weeks to follow. Not to mention sentimental and apologetic Facebook messages. (I know I can't believe I'm single either...) He never responded to any of them and a few days later made it "official" with the snake. I was depressed. I deleted him from my phone to spare myself future embarrassment. I saw the snake while stalking Adam's Facebook profile and she's drop dead gorgeous with a perfect friendly smile. He had cute pics of them up and postings on his wall from her, and I had this horrible feeling that this was the end. He chose her to be with (which is significant since he's rarely in a relationship), she's perfect, and they would probably end up married. That's what I thought. In reality it lasted a few months and they split. I can not convey to you my selfish relief. I feel guilty admitting that as I do feel sad for him, but the honest truth is when I found out I literally jumped up and down.


So, why have we not run and jumped in each other's arms?!? If only it were that simple. I've always thought the second he was free again I'd waste no time making my feelings for him known. Now that he is single however, I am scared to death. Scared he will reject me. Scared he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Scared he misses her. Scared he only wanted me when he couldn't have me. Mostly scared that I will go to him only to find out it was never as significant as it has been in my mind. He hasn't come to me. I wonder why. Im quite sure my feelings are out on the table after all of the drunk messaging. Why hasn't he messaged? called? Tried to set up a time to see each other? Run to me saying "It's you I want"? I wish I knew. I wish he would. 


The truth is however, I have always had faith in this for some reason, and I don't have faith in many things. So I have decided to let the process happen, to give this the time it deserves to unravel and reveal whatever it's going to reveal in the end. Who knows his reasons for not coming to me - it does make me worry that I have wasted the last few years longing for someone who isn't what I thought he was-  but I'm going to assume he at least has good reason. In the mean time- maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I'm still finding myself, I'm still having fun dating. I have realized rather quickly in these last few dating months that I am in fact looking for real love but maybe I'm not quite done swimming with the fishes. 

Adam and Eve in the Garden (or parking lot)

Wow. Talk about bad timing. Adam wants me, I'm taken. 2 years later I'm single and wanting him and he gets into his first relationship in years. Awesome! Needless to say I was seriously disappointed and a bit confused. I got off my bar stool and stomped out at the mention of her name and him telling me that he in fact liked her very much. I guess I figured, what's the point? He followed me out to the parking lot and we had a heated discussion. Between the drinks in my system and my slight shock at the knowledge of his new girlfriend it is hard to recall the details. I just remember asking him if I should walk out of his life, if it would make it easier on him. He said no. I remember telling him I wasn't sure what to do then because I had strong feelings for him. He asked, "Couldn't we stay friends and see what happens in the future?" This made me angry although it was reasonable, so I told him I wasn't sure I could do that. He said if his two choices were for me to walk out of his life or be in it forever the latter would be his choice. At the time I thought that was very romantic, but in retrospect it seems like stating the obvious. I don't remember what it was that made me finally separate from him (I can't imagine now ever purposely doing this) but I did. I told him I was just going to walk away from all of it, I turned and very dramatically walked to the car where my friends had been waiting engine running for who knows how long. No offense to my wonderful friends whom I love, but I wasn't even aware of them that night until this moment. Adam yelled after me to remember that this was not his choice, that's it's not what he wanted. I shut the car door and we drove away, leaving Adam alone in the parking lot. 

Eve takes a Bite

I thought of Adam often. I knew if Mr. Almost and I didn't work out in the end, I would go straight for Adam, and I did.  After the fallout of Mr. Almost and I, Adam and I started texting and flirting again. We were back on track (or so I thought). He kept asking me to come see him at work so one day I gathered up a group of friends and went to the bar where he bar tends. This to me was a confirmation trip. I was so into him back at college, he haunted my subconscious throughout my relationship with Mr.Almost; I had to know what this was about. I had a million ways to minimize it...maybe it was show-mance, maybe it was lust, maybe it was wanting what you can't have, maybe maybe maybe. I needed to see him, I wanted to know if it was all in my head.


I saw him. There he was, standing behind the bar, his hair longer than when I had seen him last. In khakis and a blue button down. My heart jumped. The old feelings I had for him rushed back like they had never left. I couldn't stop watching him. Long story short, we talked for a long time, we flirted, time passed, friends faded into the background, and I knew the chemistry was real. Even so- I wanted validation. I asked him what it all had meant, if he had really liked me back then, if it was all a game. He told me it had been true. Said he liked me so much that it was hard for him to get over me. He started to say that he knew I probably didn't want to hear this since I was with Mr.Almost and probably happy...


He didn't know Mr.Almost and I had broken up! I blurted it out. His face changed suddenly. It was strange, confused, almost sad. I asked him what was wrong but he just stuttered a few times, repeating "you didn't tell me, I didn't know." I asked him why that mattered and he replied that he had just gotten into a relationship. Later that night I asked him if he had known about my break up if it would have made any difference...he said yes. I took a bite...and now all Hell was about to break loose.

The Forbidden Fruit

There is one person I have yet to mention, and it's solely because I don't know where to start. I might as well jump right in; I think I'm in love with this person. We met doing a play together in college. The script included a passionate scene between he and I and I recall telling my best friend "Good thing I'm not attracted to him." I said "Good thing" because I was with Mr.Almost (refer to previous blog Love is Not Enough) at the time.

Mr.Almost was worried about how this might effect our relationship and I wholeheartedly swore it wouldn't be a problem, A) because I consider myself a professional and B) the guy wasn't my type- red haired and cocky. Well, I'm either not as professional as I thought or there was an irresistible connection between he and I that I couldn't fight. Lets call him Adam.This is the one time I will use an actual name and it's because it isn't his, but I have my reasons. Throughout the months working on the play I developed intense feelings for Adam. It started as physical attraction (though not my type he has great sex appeal), and grew into friendship. Adam and I were spending more and more time together and our conversations were becoming more personal. We were flirting our way through rehearsals and at his parties (he was a constant party host at the college) I felt like he couldn't breath without me feeling it on my neck - even if he was across the room. I was finding more and more excuses to be around him and sometimes he would show up at the computer lounge to bring me a snack or meet me somewhere on campus just to say hi. It got to the point where I was the last to leave his place, staying up late with him to cry out secrets or reading his poetry. I never wanted to go - each time I forced myself out the door - because of my loyalty to Mr. Almost.

His friends started telling me how much he liked me- that he was serious about me- but I couldn't believe them. I was afraid to. What would I do about my relationship if this kid liked me as much as I secretly liked him? I couldn't fathom.Then it finally broke- the night before graduation we partied together until everyone else was gone. We sat together on his stoop at 5am and he confessed that it was all true...that he liked me for real. I couldn't deny his feelings for me this time. Though somehow I did. That night I pushed him away- telling him I had to stay true to Mr. Almost, and for days following grad. he tried to come visit me in my hometown and flirt with me through late night texts. I finally called and put a stop to it. I was moving in with Mr. Almost, and the guilt was eating me alive.

I lived with Mr. Almost for the next two years and barely had any contact with Adam... though I never could forget him. 

Sleeping Diagonally

I am trying to appreciate the dating process, and to not jump into a relationship. There are very exciting things about dating, things I know my married and seriously committed friends miss and envy. Most of the time I enjoy, but it does get lonely and that's when its tough, especially at night. However, last night I realized there is at least one good thing about sleeping alone. Having the bed to yourself!!!! I tend to sleep on a diag. Yes ladies and gents...I sleep diagonally. Last night was one of those great sleep nights. One of those nights when sleeping feels so good you rather sleep than have sex! (Not that there was anyone next to me to have sex with anyway).

All night long I was in this deep yet aware sleep and would periodically half-wake just to stretch my body from fingertips to toe tips. Then I would sprawl out in any position I wanted and fall back into dream world. In the morning I woke so happy to have the bed all to myself and I relished in it a few moments with some last deep stretches before rising.

I envy but also laugh at those of you who are curled up in beds too small with other bodies, and babies and puppies and the likes.     

:)

Warranty

I haven't yet mentioned Best Buy. Mom had me tag along with her to Best Buy while she tried to get a copy of her washer warranty. Well the woman behind the help desk was polite but totally uninformed and called over some guy to look up our info. As he came toward us my first impression was Geek Squad. He was incredibly helpful and sweet to my Mom ,which is what first got my attention. Then as I asked him many washing machine techy q's I noticed that behind his dark framed glasses were a nice pair of dark eyes, to match his dark hair, and soon after noticed his plump lips. A good pair of lips totally does it for me. We talked for quite a while about compys and other nonsense before I found out he was also an actor, like myself. We talked far longer than is necessary when discussing washing machine warrantys and I thought about slipping him my number but wasn't sure how to work it in.

A couple weeks later while having dinner with one of my best guy pals the convo turned to dating. We discovered we both had crushes on customer service workers at nearby stores. We made a bet. He'd ask out his crush at Verizon, if I'd ask out Best Buy guy. Deal. Long story short, after much procrastinating in the cd section, and speaking to my guy pal over my shoulder so Best Buy wouldn't think guy pal was my boyfriend, I got up the nerve to approach him. I not so subtly asked him out. He said he was thinking the same thing and we exchanged numbers. 

We've had one date so far and I was more impressed with him than I thought I'd be. He looked much cooler in his regular clothes, he was social with my friends and even comfortable with the fact that my obvious ex was present.  Not to mention he knew everyone in the place. Seriously...between my invited friends, the showing up of my unexpected creepy not invited friends, his old high-school buddies, and his fellow Greekers (he's 100% hardcore Greek and proud) our first date was like a freakin reunion. Best part of the night was when he took me by the hand and asked me to "Come meet some Greeks!" It was very sweet. 

We eneded the night with a great hug, and the promise to do this again sometime, without the crowd! I have yet to see him again but blame it more on the fact that we live a state apart, as we are in constant contact. I look forward to seeing him again. I am aware however that at date number 1 things usually still feel good. Can I get a 1 year warranty with this?

Male Models

So, Elevator Boy...I was out walking the pooch and saw a tan toned piece of artwork shirtless, carrying groceries and headed in my direction. I watched him walk by and wondered curiously if he could possibly live in my building, a few blocks away. So I yanked the dog ignoring his many attempts to stop and pee and made him follow Ken Doll (my other nickname for him) down the street. Sure enough Ken Doll did enter my building (after setting down groceries and gracefully slipping his white tank over his sweaty chest...yes ladies...watch out for this one), and we were getting in the same elevator. 


Let me fill you in on something...I was wearing period pants, no makeup, and cheap flip flops. Of course I was, that's always how one looks when she bumps into a Ken Doll. So you can imagine my surprise when he shamelessly flirted with me, and gave me "the eyes" right as the elevator doors were closing. I immediately left my sister a voicemail telling her I had just met the man I was going to marry in an elevator, and admitting this statement was solely based on his looks. 


I live in a big building and stalked the lounge and gym for weeks hoping to bump into him with no success.  One day however, there we were again riding the same elevator. He immediately asked if he could escort me to my floor so we could converse, told me he had been trying to figure out how he could bump into me again, and asked me if I'd like to go out sometime before collecting my number. Was I stoked! I was basically stuck to the wall after he left due to his flesh melting green eyes. Let me tell you one more time what this kid looks like...6'5, tan, toned, freckled in the right places, chestnut wavy hair and green eyes that look light brown until you are up close (which eventually we were).


As stated in my last blog, he took 2 months to ask me out, but once he did we had the most romantic first date. He took me to a movie, bought me snacks, and walked with me along the river (the long way home) talking for hours in the glow of the city lights. He was sweet, shy and romantic. He asked me if I believed in destiny, and told me a story about our first meeting; which from his point of view was that he had seen me first, at the park walking my pooch, and thought I was the most beautiful woman and that unfortunately he'd probably never see me again. He was suggesting that us living in the same building and meeting up again in the elevator was somehow destiny. Once again I melted where I was standing. The next morning he texted to tell me what a great time he had and said he felt he could have talked to me all night.


There were a few dates to follow, dates where we talked more in detail about our lives, where he showed me his apartment, where he told me I make him nervous. He said that often, and it seemed to be true as he would sometimes stutter or have trouble expressing himself and get very embarrassed. I couldn't believe that this gorgeous man was intimidated by lil old me.  He's so gorgeous that I immediately assumed he must be a male model, but found out that he had a real grown up well paying job with Georgio Armani. Then found out that he had in fact been a professional model for about 5 years before he decided to move on. I knew it. Did this scare the shit out of me? Yes it did. There are stereotypes about models; they are dumb, they are shallow, they sleep around. He didn't seem to be any of these things...maybe a bit narcissistic but overall he seemed the anti-stereotype. He told me he wasn't dating around and was a bit of a home-body. Did I think he was just telling me what I wanted to hear? Of course! So I called him without warning on a Friday night, when anyone as sexy as he could surely be out and about with anyone they wanted. What was he doing? He was at home in PJs, glasses, unshaven and watching his fave TV shows. I was starting to believe him and to like him. He agreed to me coming over to watch a movie. That night he told me that he was excited about what was happening between us. He smiled a lot, cuddled me a bunch, and kissed me for the first time (it took 3 dates!)


Then he never called me again.


 Ladies and Gents, please explain this one to me because I have no idea what the Hell happened here. 


Were there any flags? A few. It did take him 2 months to ask me on our first date, and after date 1 he always wanted me to come to his place and watch TV, which made me think he was trying to lay me except that he never made any moves on me. He always acted interested and affectionate but was always a perfect gentleman and never pushy. The only other flag...he always said the right thing, this scared me the most. After he stopped calling I felt like an ass for believing he could be into me, but
#1) I'm as much of a great catch as he is and
#2) there was much more positive evidence than there were flags.

Am I an idiot for believing all the nice things he said? Is he just really great at lying? Is it possible he really just wanted to sleep with me even though he never made the move? I can't figure it out. A lot of friends chuck this up to the fact that he was just too pretty. I completely disagree with this logic. Why should anyone be afraid to date someone beautiful? At the risk of sounding shallow I want someone with a great personality AND a great face, and I'm not going to stop until I get it. (Yes, I am aware I may be single forever )

I Always Go For the Nice Guy

After Bar Guy came Red Bull and Elevator Boy. I met them about the same time, both asked for my number and both contacted but did not actually ask me out for almost 2 months. Then they asked me out the same day of the same weekend. No joke. For now lets focus on Red Bull.

I met Red Bull (or the nice guy) on the deck of my building. We had both gone out there for some fresh air after the gym. I noticed him in the gym, thinking he was average but cute. It made me work out a little bit harder. So here we were on the deck at the same time, leaning a few feet away from eachother on the railing, both glowing with sweat in the summer evening air...conversation was inevitable.  We ended up talking for hours. He was sweet, had a good sense of humour and was easy to converse with. He's 28, has a good job working for Red Bull, and has travelled a lot. He's interesting and can handle a little friendly banter (which I am a fan of). Our first date was great. He took me to a Dave Matthew's concert on one of the islands, which was swell because at this point in our adult lives neither of us really cared to watch Dave so we spent the entire time talking, drinking and eating greasy foods. He was a gentleman, paid for everything, and was up for anything. We took the ferry back together at 2am and walked the city streets before going to an Irish pub for more drinks.

We continue to hang out. He seems genuine, nice and lets be honest he's accessible being that he lives in my building. Accessability isn't a driving factor alone, he's a cool guy, it's just a plus. It definitley lends itself on lonely nights. The problem with Red Bull is that I enjoy his company, I even look forward to it, but he doesn't make me nervous. He seems like a nice guy, I don't picture him dicking me over; and I don't take this for granted, trust me! I'm not the girl who always dates the assholes and ignores the nice guys - I know men get frustrated by that. In fact, I tend to mainly go for the nice guys. But I want someone who makes me nervous, who challenges me, in fact I want someone who scares the shit out of me, someone I love so much I'm afraid of losing them everyday. I know that sounds painful, but at least it's passionate. I need passion. I'm not sure I have that with Red Bull. Maybe with him I will put aside the passion and enjoy the pubs.

You Won't Meet Your Husband in a Bar

First up after Mr. Almost was Bar Guy. I was at a bar with girlfriends when I spotted Bar guy (who in reality has the SAME name as Mr. Almost....I should have taken that as a clue). I noticed him huddled in a group of buddies and was pretty sure he had taken note of me as well. After quite a few drinks I happened to look up and we locked eyes, flashed each other shy yet broad smiles and then he vanished down some steps with the buds. I finally made his acquaintance a while later when I hopped off  a bar stool to escape "the 40 yr old virgin" who was pestering me, and bumped into Bar Guy to my pleasant surprise. We said hello before I immediately took his hand and asked him to save me from pervo. I led him down the steps, our separate circles of friends in tow, and we found a seat to have a few drinks and some convo together. Hours later, after I had been out with the girls at other bars I bumped into him again on the street and was just incoherent enough to feel like we were old friends!

He called me 3 days later and we started hanging out. I now realize that I read into everything and take men too seriously. It started with Bar Guy. I read into the fact that we locked eyes at the bar, that I bumped into him when jumping off the bar stool and again later in the street. I read into the fact that our first date was great; we talked, we drank, we kissed, we had a lot in common and he was so much more down to earth than I thought he'd be. We bonded over our sick love of 7/11 and our blue collar hard working families. I think I immediately convinced myself that this all meant something and that this would go somewhere. In reality, we hung out about 6 times and then he never called me again. 

I'd like to call him an asshole. I'd like to say he led me on, that he's a total douche bag. This is what my girlfriends would say and I would love them for it. However, I have to take some responsibility here. I looked into the eye contact and the cute text messages he sent after each date, but ignored things too.I I ignored the fact that he was only 21, I ignored the fact that he was beautiful (blonde curls, blue eyes and boyish yet sexy build), and that he was leaving for school in Europe in a few weeks. I also convinced myself that the fact he always took me out late and always somewhere that alcohol was involved wasn't necessarily devious. I forgot all about the fact that we met in a bar while I was drunk and that it might not be a great sign he's picking up drunk chicks (I think I made an exception because in this case I'm the chick and I know I'm an awesome girl ;)   ) All of these elements combined should have screamed "young and wants to have fun".  Truth is, I was very aware of these things but convinced myself he would fall for the beauty in my soul and we'd be like the couple from the movie "Going the Distance" when he went back to school. (I even watched the movie quite a few times during this time period.)

The thing I struggle with is this...there were flags, yes, but aren't there always? When two people first meet there are bound to be some flags. In my mind, its after people get to know each other and realize they like each other that they drop the flags and decide to take each other more seriously. So, how can one walk away in the beginning, even if they see the flags waving, if they have hope the flags may later fall?

Is it wrong to hope they might fall for me?

Love is Not Enough

Maybe I should back up and tell you a bit about the dating train I've been riding. First off, I broke up with my serious boyfriend 8 months ago. Many of you know who he is but for the sake of anonymity I am going to leave names out of this blog and instead refer to these men using the same nicknames I give them on the phone to my girlfriends. So Mr Almost and I split, which was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I knew for a few reasons we were just not meant to be, even though we were so close to having "it". We lived together, we have a pet together, we had furniture and some finances together. Deciding to turn our entire world upside down, packing my boxes and leaving the nest we worked so hard to create all equaled heartbreak for both of us. BOTH of us, even though it was my decision, it sucked.

I think many times one assumes that if love is wrong than it is obviously wrong; not so in this case. Mr Almost and I were crazy about each other. It felt different with him. When I first called my Mom, I said those infamous words, "Mom, I've met someone!" And she exclaimed with the cliche "I can tell there's something different about this one!" And we both meant it. Things with Mr Almost were different than some of my past relationships. I was 100% comfortable with him. I wasn't very jealous. I was gross, obnoxious, disgusting even!! He knew about all my past lovers, about my bodily functions, and about my insecurities, paranoias and darkest secrets. The element which most convinced me that something was indeed different this time around was that I felt so "sure." I never feel sure about anything. I am anxious and indecisive, and over analyze things until I fall asleep from exhaustion. When my Dad died I knew I wanted to talk to Mr Almost and only Mr Almost, and I did, for hours every night. When he asked me to move in with him I said yes without hesitation, in fact I piggy backed around on him parading through the living room with excitement.
I looked at his parents as the Grandparents to my babies, at his childhood home as my second home, and at him as the man I would marry...when I was ready. So how could something I finally felt so sure about be so wrong? I'm still asking myself that question. The only thing I now know, is that it was wrong.  In retrospect I can see subtle ways in which we were not perfect for each other. I also see that we have changed throughout our years together and that we have different needs now. There is one thing that was always there though...one thing that was a red flag from the beginning. I said it earlier in this blog and many times while I was with him, in fact he said it as well..."When I'm ready." I didn't want to get married. I said things like "someday maybe" or "I don't want to get married. Marriage ends in divorce." Now I know that this resistance was due to doubts, doubts because I knew we weren't right for each other even though we loved each other. I never believed in the saying "sometimes love isn't enough" because I felt if it were truly love than it would be enough. Now I believe it. Mr Almost and I loved each other, truly and completely and we worked hard for each other...it wasn't enough.  We were so close but missing something. When I love someone again like I loved Mr Almost, but also have the missing piece, I don't imagine I will be saying I don't believe in marriage. I bet I will be saying "I do."

Only in NYC

I've been frustrated lately with the ups and downs of dating. I keep riding high on the wings of a new potential, and then when it crashes and burns, I'm dead on the ground. I usually stir around in the dirt for a while, and trust me I was just there, but this time I'm getting up much quicker. Seeing things from a new perspective.

My plane may crash often but at least I'm flying! I'm 26, I'm single, and I'm casually dating. It may not always be love but by God it's fun! I have spent hours drinking 711 Slurpees and talking about pet rabbits. I have eaten a jumbo cheese steak and curly fries far back in a field with Dave Mathews playing live up ahead, surrounded by surreal lighting and hippies barefoot dancing in the grass. Not to mention my date had the hook up and we got to climb up on stage and watch Dave from the wings! I have ridden the ferry at 2am just to walk the streets and drink at Irish pubs. I have taken the most romantic long walk along the river with the city night lights for a view. At 3am I have sat on a bench kissing while people on the neighboring bench smoked pot and serenaded us with beautiful violin songs. Only in NYC would this happen! And only when you keep your heart open.

Text Dating

I have been riding the dating train for some months now, and have already found it to be an exciting yet bumpy ride. Adult dating is a process. Full of unwritten rules, game playing, and much higher stakes than adolescent dating. I'm not sure how much I love the game. I've been having trouble wrapping my brain around the rules and regulations. Penalty here, penalty there, I'm still playing but I have been benched quite a few times and to be honest needed the break. 
In any case, I decided to blog about my experiences in adult dating. I recognize the lack of privacy I am inviting into my life but figure what do I have to lose. What's the point in secrets? We all have to push through the shit of love at some point, I'm just inviting you to share in the shit with me, at least I won't be as lonely as one can often find themselves when they are indeed in the shit. So if invading my privacy sounds intriguing to you by all means engage, if not exit now. 

First shit for thought - TEXT DATING. What is this? The last few men who have asked me out, have done so via text. I think this is pathetic. Please do not ask me out like this. I would like the man I end up with to have the cojones to pick up a phone. Has facebook/myspace (who uses that anymore really?)/twitter made us lazy daters? Electronic communication lets us off the hook in terms of our comfort zones. Its much easier to sound nonchalant in a text and for those of us who are shy its an easy out. I don't care. That's no excuse. Where's the romance? I want to hear a voice, I want to see a face. You can't read someones emotions or intentions in a text, which is why it is so safe, so destructive, and so inappropriate for dating. I have asked out two men recently; one I called, the other I walked right up to. If I can do it, you can do it. Reattach those cojones and dial the phone!