Red Bull Gives You Wings

It was 3am, I had already been out at bars and had met up with Red Bull (refer to "I always Go for the Nice Guy")  at some point in the night. Just as I thought we were making our way home he grabbed my hand, hailed a cab and told me we were going somewhere. My moans of exhaustion didn't stop him and instead he asked me to trust him (flashback of Aladdin leading Jasmine onto the magic carpet except in this case I'm not dressed like a genie and its a stinky yellow cab). He takes me to this very exclusive club in Chelsea. Waiting near a wine colored velvet rope are fancy men and model type arm candy anxiously trying to get in. Let me point out-  I was wearing jeans, a hoodie, heeled boots and hoops. These women were wearing the typical too tight-and-short black dress and tons of makeup with revlon silky hair-dos. I felt sexy as Hell.  I love the slutty dress look but my ghetto fabulous attire for some reason made me feel fantastic that night, maybe because it was highly inappropriate for where we were and yet I was the one being escorted under the velvet ropes.
This friggin kid has connections! We got inside and the place was lined with VIP tables with bottle service. It was dark, crowded enough and sexy. Long story short he knows people. He's buddies with some big shot who welcomed us to his table and we spent the night drinking champagne and dancing on the couches. Up on that leather ledge shaking my ass I got this high that only comes at 3am on a crazy night like that; I felt light as a feather, like I was floating above all the heads in the crowd. I'm still not convinced that Redbull and I have the passion of soul mates but damn he shows me a good time!

Pride & Prejudice

I've been thinking about male model again lately. You assume you're over something and then all of a sudden you have too much time on your hands (or something happens as simple as the elevator stopping on thier floor) and you realize it's still stirring inside you. I find myself once again wondering what happened. The truth is, I guess it's better not to know. You don't want to hear that someone thinks your too short or scrawny or utterly boring. If you don't know the reason then you can't do anything about it, but if you do know then you spend all your time trying to fix it. And we should never waste time trying to fix ourselves to meet someone else's standards.

Although we live in the same building I have yet to bump into male model, (which makes me wonder if he's purposely taking the stairs) though I thought I saw him the other day. I had two kids packed into a double stroller and my hands full of clothing, snacks, keys, coffee cup. Basically I looked like a disheveled mother. Not the first post-he-stopped-calling impression I want to make. So I did the only adult thing to do in a situation like that- I dropped down and hid behind the stroller. I pretended to be looking for a sippy cup in the under-carriage. He wasn't there when I popped back up. Phew!

I now feel pressured to be beautifully made up everday in preparation for the inevitable accidental run in.

For some reason I've been tempted to contact him. I can hear the screams of "NO" coming in my direction right now, and my pride is one of the voices- but for some reason I still want to reach out to him. There's something in my gut that still believes he may have run for some reason, that maybe he's just insecure and needs reassurance. I don't want to justify his actions by giving him the benefit of the doubt, but I also like to base my conclusions on evidence, and the evidence he gave me does not match up with "total asshole." I know it's easy to think that about someone who is gorgeous and charming. But just as one shouldn't make allowances for someone just because they are attractive,  one also shouldn't make negative assumptions based on looks either, right? If this were a more average male would I be so quick to think he was a player or a user? Am I being prejudice because elevator boy was once a model and is still intimidatingly hot?

 My pride says "he's a jerk, stand your ground!" My gut says "He's just a guy, a possibly insecure one at that. Reach out one last time."  Pride or guts people, pride or guts???

Adam, Eve, the Snake, and the fish.

(Let me start by saying that Adam's new girlfriend I'm sure is a great person but because it makes me feel better she will play the snake in my story.)


So, after the parking lot there were text messages exchanged between the two of us and many drunk dialing episodes on my part in the weeks to follow. Not to mention sentimental and apologetic Facebook messages. (I know I can't believe I'm single either...) He never responded to any of them and a few days later made it "official" with the snake. I was depressed. I deleted him from my phone to spare myself future embarrassment. I saw the snake while stalking Adam's Facebook profile and she's drop dead gorgeous with a perfect friendly smile. He had cute pics of them up and postings on his wall from her, and I had this horrible feeling that this was the end. He chose her to be with (which is significant since he's rarely in a relationship), she's perfect, and they would probably end up married. That's what I thought. In reality it lasted a few months and they split. I can not convey to you my selfish relief. I feel guilty admitting that as I do feel sad for him, but the honest truth is when I found out I literally jumped up and down.


So, why have we not run and jumped in each other's arms?!? If only it were that simple. I've always thought the second he was free again I'd waste no time making my feelings for him known. Now that he is single however, I am scared to death. Scared he will reject me. Scared he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Scared he misses her. Scared he only wanted me when he couldn't have me. Mostly scared that I will go to him only to find out it was never as significant as it has been in my mind. He hasn't come to me. I wonder why. Im quite sure my feelings are out on the table after all of the drunk messaging. Why hasn't he messaged? called? Tried to set up a time to see each other? Run to me saying "It's you I want"? I wish I knew. I wish he would. 


The truth is however, I have always had faith in this for some reason, and I don't have faith in many things. So I have decided to let the process happen, to give this the time it deserves to unravel and reveal whatever it's going to reveal in the end. Who knows his reasons for not coming to me - it does make me worry that I have wasted the last few years longing for someone who isn't what I thought he was-  but I'm going to assume he at least has good reason. In the mean time- maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I'm still finding myself, I'm still having fun dating. I have realized rather quickly in these last few dating months that I am in fact looking for real love but maybe I'm not quite done swimming with the fishes. 

Adam and Eve in the Garden (or parking lot)

Wow. Talk about bad timing. Adam wants me, I'm taken. 2 years later I'm single and wanting him and he gets into his first relationship in years. Awesome! Needless to say I was seriously disappointed and a bit confused. I got off my bar stool and stomped out at the mention of her name and him telling me that he in fact liked her very much. I guess I figured, what's the point? He followed me out to the parking lot and we had a heated discussion. Between the drinks in my system and my slight shock at the knowledge of his new girlfriend it is hard to recall the details. I just remember asking him if I should walk out of his life, if it would make it easier on him. He said no. I remember telling him I wasn't sure what to do then because I had strong feelings for him. He asked, "Couldn't we stay friends and see what happens in the future?" This made me angry although it was reasonable, so I told him I wasn't sure I could do that. He said if his two choices were for me to walk out of his life or be in it forever the latter would be his choice. At the time I thought that was very romantic, but in retrospect it seems like stating the obvious. I don't remember what it was that made me finally separate from him (I can't imagine now ever purposely doing this) but I did. I told him I was just going to walk away from all of it, I turned and very dramatically walked to the car where my friends had been waiting engine running for who knows how long. No offense to my wonderful friends whom I love, but I wasn't even aware of them that night until this moment. Adam yelled after me to remember that this was not his choice, that's it's not what he wanted. I shut the car door and we drove away, leaving Adam alone in the parking lot. 

Eve takes a Bite

I thought of Adam often. I knew if Mr. Almost and I didn't work out in the end, I would go straight for Adam, and I did.  After the fallout of Mr. Almost and I, Adam and I started texting and flirting again. We were back on track (or so I thought). He kept asking me to come see him at work so one day I gathered up a group of friends and went to the bar where he bar tends. This to me was a confirmation trip. I was so into him back at college, he haunted my subconscious throughout my relationship with Mr.Almost; I had to know what this was about. I had a million ways to minimize it...maybe it was show-mance, maybe it was lust, maybe it was wanting what you can't have, maybe maybe maybe. I needed to see him, I wanted to know if it was all in my head.


I saw him. There he was, standing behind the bar, his hair longer than when I had seen him last. In khakis and a blue button down. My heart jumped. The old feelings I had for him rushed back like they had never left. I couldn't stop watching him. Long story short, we talked for a long time, we flirted, time passed, friends faded into the background, and I knew the chemistry was real. Even so- I wanted validation. I asked him what it all had meant, if he had really liked me back then, if it was all a game. He told me it had been true. Said he liked me so much that it was hard for him to get over me. He started to say that he knew I probably didn't want to hear this since I was with Mr.Almost and probably happy...


He didn't know Mr.Almost and I had broken up! I blurted it out. His face changed suddenly. It was strange, confused, almost sad. I asked him what was wrong but he just stuttered a few times, repeating "you didn't tell me, I didn't know." I asked him why that mattered and he replied that he had just gotten into a relationship. Later that night I asked him if he had known about my break up if it would have made any difference...he said yes. I took a bite...and now all Hell was about to break loose.

The Forbidden Fruit

There is one person I have yet to mention, and it's solely because I don't know where to start. I might as well jump right in; I think I'm in love with this person. We met doing a play together in college. The script included a passionate scene between he and I and I recall telling my best friend "Good thing I'm not attracted to him." I said "Good thing" because I was with Mr.Almost (refer to previous blog Love is Not Enough) at the time.

Mr.Almost was worried about how this might effect our relationship and I wholeheartedly swore it wouldn't be a problem, A) because I consider myself a professional and B) the guy wasn't my type- red haired and cocky. Well, I'm either not as professional as I thought or there was an irresistible connection between he and I that I couldn't fight. Lets call him Adam.This is the one time I will use an actual name and it's because it isn't his, but I have my reasons. Throughout the months working on the play I developed intense feelings for Adam. It started as physical attraction (though not my type he has great sex appeal), and grew into friendship. Adam and I were spending more and more time together and our conversations were becoming more personal. We were flirting our way through rehearsals and at his parties (he was a constant party host at the college) I felt like he couldn't breath without me feeling it on my neck - even if he was across the room. I was finding more and more excuses to be around him and sometimes he would show up at the computer lounge to bring me a snack or meet me somewhere on campus just to say hi. It got to the point where I was the last to leave his place, staying up late with him to cry out secrets or reading his poetry. I never wanted to go - each time I forced myself out the door - because of my loyalty to Mr. Almost.

His friends started telling me how much he liked me- that he was serious about me- but I couldn't believe them. I was afraid to. What would I do about my relationship if this kid liked me as much as I secretly liked him? I couldn't fathom.Then it finally broke- the night before graduation we partied together until everyone else was gone. We sat together on his stoop at 5am and he confessed that it was all true...that he liked me for real. I couldn't deny his feelings for me this time. Though somehow I did. That night I pushed him away- telling him I had to stay true to Mr. Almost, and for days following grad. he tried to come visit me in my hometown and flirt with me through late night texts. I finally called and put a stop to it. I was moving in with Mr. Almost, and the guilt was eating me alive.

I lived with Mr. Almost for the next two years and barely had any contact with Adam... though I never could forget him.