Love is Not Enough

Maybe I should back up and tell you a bit about the dating train I've been riding. First off, I broke up with my serious boyfriend 8 months ago. Many of you know who he is but for the sake of anonymity I am going to leave names out of this blog and instead refer to these men using the same nicknames I give them on the phone to my girlfriends. So Mr Almost and I split, which was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I knew for a few reasons we were just not meant to be, even though we were so close to having "it". We lived together, we have a pet together, we had furniture and some finances together. Deciding to turn our entire world upside down, packing my boxes and leaving the nest we worked so hard to create all equaled heartbreak for both of us. BOTH of us, even though it was my decision, it sucked.

I think many times one assumes that if love is wrong than it is obviously wrong; not so in this case. Mr Almost and I were crazy about each other. It felt different with him. When I first called my Mom, I said those infamous words, "Mom, I've met someone!" And she exclaimed with the cliche "I can tell there's something different about this one!" And we both meant it. Things with Mr Almost were different than some of my past relationships. I was 100% comfortable with him. I wasn't very jealous. I was gross, obnoxious, disgusting even!! He knew about all my past lovers, about my bodily functions, and about my insecurities, paranoias and darkest secrets. The element which most convinced me that something was indeed different this time around was that I felt so "sure." I never feel sure about anything. I am anxious and indecisive, and over analyze things until I fall asleep from exhaustion. When my Dad died I knew I wanted to talk to Mr Almost and only Mr Almost, and I did, for hours every night. When he asked me to move in with him I said yes without hesitation, in fact I piggy backed around on him parading through the living room with excitement.
I looked at his parents as the Grandparents to my babies, at his childhood home as my second home, and at him as the man I would marry...when I was ready. So how could something I finally felt so sure about be so wrong? I'm still asking myself that question. The only thing I now know, is that it was wrong.  In retrospect I can see subtle ways in which we were not perfect for each other. I also see that we have changed throughout our years together and that we have different needs now. There is one thing that was always there though...one thing that was a red flag from the beginning. I said it earlier in this blog and many times while I was with him, in fact he said it as well..."When I'm ready." I didn't want to get married. I said things like "someday maybe" or "I don't want to get married. Marriage ends in divorce." Now I know that this resistance was due to doubts, doubts because I knew we weren't right for each other even though we loved each other. I never believed in the saying "sometimes love isn't enough" because I felt if it were truly love than it would be enough. Now I believe it. Mr Almost and I loved each other, truly and completely and we worked hard for each other...it wasn't enough.  We were so close but missing something. When I love someone again like I loved Mr Almost, but also have the missing piece, I don't imagine I will be saying I don't believe in marriage. I bet I will be saying "I do."