Come One Come All!

                   Why does it seem like no one likes you for the longest period of time, and then everyone does? It's infuriating!!! We go through many dry spells. No dates, no numbers, no potentials even. Women athletes at the gym, anti-socials at parties, no cute faces in the subway car. These dry months drag on and on until you get used to the idea of being alone and give up. You never know when the turn around happens exactly but suddenly you find yourself surrounded by men competing for your attention! The hottie who works at Barnes finally suggests coffee, strong jaw at the gym keeps working out on the treadmill next to yours, and some poor lad out there has convinced himself he wants to be your new BF.
                  This is so unfair. I know I know...first we bitch about having no dates, now we bitch about too many. HERE'S WHY! All of these men are decent. It's not as simple as someone you're completely not attracted to, an ex you're totally over, or your dude friend who you just don't think of in that way. No, that would be way too easy. Instead it's men you find yourself considering as viable options...each and every one of them.
                   I ask God on many occasions why he can't space these men out. I know once the rush is over I will yet again have to face months spooning my pillow (whom I have named Simon II) and trying to convince myself it was them not me. Why not insert one of these decent men into those lonely months. What are we supposed to do with all of them now? Well I guess I can think of a few things but that's not the point. This is unfair not only because of the desperately lonely months spent in the dry spell waiting for the rush, but also because now we are overwhelmed. Now we have to make choices and start hurting feelings. It's like the universe finally realizes it has been depriving you and overcompensates.  Saturn may be able to function with seven rings but I'm only looking for one. 

2012; A New Year...A New Date

I don't know where to begin...wow we have some catching up to do. First of all it's 2012!! Happy New Year everyone! Not only is it a new year on the calendar but it is almost one year since my break up. Single for a year...what a ride this has been. The first few months were spent living with and separating myself physically and mentally from my ex (referred to in this blog as Mr. Almost). The next few, spent adjusting to a new life in a new apartment and having crazy rebound experiences with new men. At first I found myself getting attached to every guy I was dating. When you've lived with someone for two years you get used to being around a man who is committed, a man who is always around, and a man who takes your relationship seriously (at least I hope so, you're living together.) So when I was thrown into the pool of young, attractive, bachelors I still naively expected commitment, loyalty, seriousness. OOPS!!!! I was devastated each time I realized these boys were just in it for fun.
            Eventually I moved into a second phase where I realized The reason I get attached is because I am afraid of losing a good man. Two problems here...
1- just because they don't always stick doesn't mean I "lost" them and
2- not all of them are good men.
            I look at a man's good qualities and ignore the bad, making them perfect in my mind. Who wants to discard a perfect man? There are only so many!!! I realized I had to start recognizing their flaws. Not only to remind myself that maybe it's their flaws not mine that ruin us in the end, but also to see them clearly so that, to put in plainly, I don't waste time with some loser. This to me was a very refreshing outlook on dating and I was surprised how quickly, with a little bit of practice, I was able to see them as human and imperfect. I saw some that were so imperfect...for me at least...that I let them go and moved on.  What a relief!
           The third phase and current phase is the fun phase. I realized I could use this noncommittal-male attitude to my advantage. I started going on fun dates, having yummy dinners, good conversations and great kissing without worrying where it was leading (and usually without paying!)  I became less obsessed with what the next step would be and more in the moment. Some of these guys fizzled out naturally, and for once, instead of wanting to hold on to each one (JUST IN CASE!) I was OK with it. It took me sooo long to be OK with it.

Thanks Un-Giving Preparations

You know how I mentioned I was trying to always look good in preparation for the unplanned run in with Male Model?!? (refer to previous blog: Male Models)
Well...it happened.

It was the day before Thanksgiving and of course everything everywhere was chaotic due to holiday traffic. So here I was leaving the building early, rushed but excited to start my trip back to NJ to see the fam. I was sweating, carrying luggage over one shoulder, and my dog in a doggie carrier over the other. The elevator opens and as I start my push through the lobby crowd I see Male Model. Looking like a model, warmly addressing the doorman by name like they are old friends, big smile on his face. It all happens in a split second. I see him and not knowing the degree of dishevel I am in pretend I don't see him. He pretends he doesn't see me, though I can tell he knows I am there, and we keep moving. That's it.

Now turns out...I was looking pretty good. Makeup was done, hair was down, had on cute boots and a leather jacket; not bad for rushing to a train. But it didn't matter. I saw him. His face, his eyes, that smile. I saw him for the first time since he had said all of those nice things on those good dates and then never called again. I saw him, and he saw me, and neither of us said anything. It made me sad. I didn't expect it, after all in reality it was a few dates a while back, but it hurt. All of a sudden I was in a sour mood and sitting on the train with pent up anger. I wanted to be thinking about my family, about food, about giving thanks but really I was just thinking 'Thanks a fuckin lot! Thanks for saying things you didn't mean! Thanks for never calling! Thanks for no explanation!' No matter how much we physically prepare to see someone we can't prepare for how we will feel when we do :/

Red Bull Gives You Wings

It was 3am, I had already been out at bars and had met up with Red Bull (refer to "I always Go for the Nice Guy")  at some point in the night. Just as I thought we were making our way home he grabbed my hand, hailed a cab and told me we were going somewhere. My moans of exhaustion didn't stop him and instead he asked me to trust him (flashback of Aladdin leading Jasmine onto the magic carpet except in this case I'm not dressed like a genie and its a stinky yellow cab). He takes me to this very exclusive club in Chelsea. Waiting near a wine colored velvet rope are fancy men and model type arm candy anxiously trying to get in. Let me point out-  I was wearing jeans, a hoodie, heeled boots and hoops. These women were wearing the typical too tight-and-short black dress and tons of makeup with revlon silky hair-dos. I felt sexy as Hell.  I love the slutty dress look but my ghetto fabulous attire for some reason made me feel fantastic that night, maybe because it was highly inappropriate for where we were and yet I was the one being escorted under the velvet ropes.
This friggin kid has connections! We got inside and the place was lined with VIP tables with bottle service. It was dark, crowded enough and sexy. Long story short he knows people. He's buddies with some big shot who welcomed us to his table and we spent the night drinking champagne and dancing on the couches. Up on that leather ledge shaking my ass I got this high that only comes at 3am on a crazy night like that; I felt light as a feather, like I was floating above all the heads in the crowd. I'm still not convinced that Redbull and I have the passion of soul mates but damn he shows me a good time!

Pride & Prejudice

I've been thinking about male model again lately. You assume you're over something and then all of a sudden you have too much time on your hands (or something happens as simple as the elevator stopping on thier floor) and you realize it's still stirring inside you. I find myself once again wondering what happened. The truth is, I guess it's better not to know. You don't want to hear that someone thinks your too short or scrawny or utterly boring. If you don't know the reason then you can't do anything about it, but if you do know then you spend all your time trying to fix it. And we should never waste time trying to fix ourselves to meet someone else's standards.

Although we live in the same building I have yet to bump into male model, (which makes me wonder if he's purposely taking the stairs) though I thought I saw him the other day. I had two kids packed into a double stroller and my hands full of clothing, snacks, keys, coffee cup. Basically I looked like a disheveled mother. Not the first post-he-stopped-calling impression I want to make. So I did the only adult thing to do in a situation like that- I dropped down and hid behind the stroller. I pretended to be looking for a sippy cup in the under-carriage. He wasn't there when I popped back up. Phew!

I now feel pressured to be beautifully made up everday in preparation for the inevitable accidental run in.

For some reason I've been tempted to contact him. I can hear the screams of "NO" coming in my direction right now, and my pride is one of the voices- but for some reason I still want to reach out to him. There's something in my gut that still believes he may have run for some reason, that maybe he's just insecure and needs reassurance. I don't want to justify his actions by giving him the benefit of the doubt, but I also like to base my conclusions on evidence, and the evidence he gave me does not match up with "total asshole." I know it's easy to think that about someone who is gorgeous and charming. But just as one shouldn't make allowances for someone just because they are attractive,  one also shouldn't make negative assumptions based on looks either, right? If this were a more average male would I be so quick to think he was a player or a user? Am I being prejudice because elevator boy was once a model and is still intimidatingly hot?

 My pride says "he's a jerk, stand your ground!" My gut says "He's just a guy, a possibly insecure one at that. Reach out one last time."  Pride or guts people, pride or guts???

Adam, Eve, the Snake, and the fish.

(Let me start by saying that Adam's new girlfriend I'm sure is a great person but because it makes me feel better she will play the snake in my story.)


So, after the parking lot there were text messages exchanged between the two of us and many drunk dialing episodes on my part in the weeks to follow. Not to mention sentimental and apologetic Facebook messages. (I know I can't believe I'm single either...) He never responded to any of them and a few days later made it "official" with the snake. I was depressed. I deleted him from my phone to spare myself future embarrassment. I saw the snake while stalking Adam's Facebook profile and she's drop dead gorgeous with a perfect friendly smile. He had cute pics of them up and postings on his wall from her, and I had this horrible feeling that this was the end. He chose her to be with (which is significant since he's rarely in a relationship), she's perfect, and they would probably end up married. That's what I thought. In reality it lasted a few months and they split. I can not convey to you my selfish relief. I feel guilty admitting that as I do feel sad for him, but the honest truth is when I found out I literally jumped up and down.


So, why have we not run and jumped in each other's arms?!? If only it were that simple. I've always thought the second he was free again I'd waste no time making my feelings for him known. Now that he is single however, I am scared to death. Scared he will reject me. Scared he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Scared he misses her. Scared he only wanted me when he couldn't have me. Mostly scared that I will go to him only to find out it was never as significant as it has been in my mind. He hasn't come to me. I wonder why. Im quite sure my feelings are out on the table after all of the drunk messaging. Why hasn't he messaged? called? Tried to set up a time to see each other? Run to me saying "It's you I want"? I wish I knew. I wish he would. 


The truth is however, I have always had faith in this for some reason, and I don't have faith in many things. So I have decided to let the process happen, to give this the time it deserves to unravel and reveal whatever it's going to reveal in the end. Who knows his reasons for not coming to me - it does make me worry that I have wasted the last few years longing for someone who isn't what I thought he was-  but I'm going to assume he at least has good reason. In the mean time- maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I'm still finding myself, I'm still having fun dating. I have realized rather quickly in these last few dating months that I am in fact looking for real love but maybe I'm not quite done swimming with the fishes. 

Adam and Eve in the Garden (or parking lot)

Wow. Talk about bad timing. Adam wants me, I'm taken. 2 years later I'm single and wanting him and he gets into his first relationship in years. Awesome! Needless to say I was seriously disappointed and a bit confused. I got off my bar stool and stomped out at the mention of her name and him telling me that he in fact liked her very much. I guess I figured, what's the point? He followed me out to the parking lot and we had a heated discussion. Between the drinks in my system and my slight shock at the knowledge of his new girlfriend it is hard to recall the details. I just remember asking him if I should walk out of his life, if it would make it easier on him. He said no. I remember telling him I wasn't sure what to do then because I had strong feelings for him. He asked, "Couldn't we stay friends and see what happens in the future?" This made me angry although it was reasonable, so I told him I wasn't sure I could do that. He said if his two choices were for me to walk out of his life or be in it forever the latter would be his choice. At the time I thought that was very romantic, but in retrospect it seems like stating the obvious. I don't remember what it was that made me finally separate from him (I can't imagine now ever purposely doing this) but I did. I told him I was just going to walk away from all of it, I turned and very dramatically walked to the car where my friends had been waiting engine running for who knows how long. No offense to my wonderful friends whom I love, but I wasn't even aware of them that night until this moment. Adam yelled after me to remember that this was not his choice, that's it's not what he wanted. I shut the car door and we drove away, leaving Adam alone in the parking lot.